|It was in December 1990 when it all began. I was on my way from Hamburg
to Denmark where I had rented a house in the middle of nowhere. In my luggage
were a lots of paper, my typewriter, clothes, 10 gr. of speed and 2 bottles
of Vodka. The reason why I drove there was to finish my first 1 ½
hour solo program as a stand-up comedian and to practice a bit more black
something Iíd become familiar with during the past 6 months.
Acting was at that time only a hobby for me. I earned my money as a
freelance tour- and promotion manager for a major record company. My job
was very well paid so that I could afford my acting lessons and my start
in small theatres. On top of the great salary I was able to meet famous
people through my work. I had lunch with Joe Cocker, dined with Tina Turner,
shook hands with Grace Jones and stayed a few unforgettable days in Nuernberg
with Freddy Mercury. I was on the peak of my career and yet I felt a big
emptiness inside me. I kept asking myself the question, how it is possible
that I canít be satisfied when I have everything I could ask for? A restlessness
and great dissatisfaction entered me and prompted me to go deep into drugs
and alcohol. I saw my stay in Denmark as a last chance I gave the world
and my life.
After 5 days I had used most of my drugs and the Vodka bottles were
empty. I hadnít written one useful page, but I had done my black magic
exercises. On that evening, after I had another line of speed, a strong
angst entered me. Iím normally not a fearful person, but this was different.
It was like a warning which came from deep inside, and it said that if
I go only one step further with this magical stuff I wonít have it under
control any more- even worst - it will have me under control. I took that
warning seriously. Immediately I threw all the cards, books and other supplies
into the garbage and stopped persuading this direction. But from there
on I prayed to meet my r e a l master.
When I returned to Hamburg it looked like nothing has changed. I was
still successful in my work, but the emptiness remained. There was nothing
in my life to give me hope or value. I read more books, I went to many
so called Gurus, but all these were dead end streets, I was fed up with
second-hand-knowledge and decided to go on a journey to find the truth.
In February 1991 I quit my job, gave up all my financial security,
sold most of my belongings and bought a one way ticket to Bangkok. A lot
of people thought I was crazy, but having found out that you canít buy
happiness with money, I did not care what anyone thought. I stayed four
months in Thailand and traveled from the South to the North always looking
for the Ďtruthí. I even lived for 6 weeks in a Buddhist monastery and learned
vipassana meditation. I felt calm and happy, but somehow I knew that it
was too early to return to Germany. Asking the divine for guidance, I suddenly
caught a glimpse of an advertisement from a travel agency while I was walking
down the streets of Chiang Mai. I turned and looked again, than I knew
where to go next. Katmandu!
My plane left the next day. As soon as the plane landed I felt like
I was coming home. This country was so familiar to me although Iíve never
been there before.
I had brought a lot of amphetamine which you can get in Thailand without
prescription to make my stay more colourful. After a 3 week trip through
the beautiful Himalayas I returned to Katmandu. Meanwhile I had begun to
really miss German food, and when I passed a little Austrian restaurant
in the heart of Thamel, I couldnít resist. What I found there on the table
had changed my whole life and I felt very grateful for that little greedy
moment where I would have done anything for mashed potatoes with sauerkraut
and smoked pork chops.
What I found was a brochure on the table about Sahaja Yoga. The photo
of Shri Mataji on the cover let me think for one second: "She looks like
me". And the next second I thought: "Nonsense she doesnít look like me
at all". Later I heard a tape of Her where She said "I tried hard to make
my body looking like all of you". That explained to me why that thought
popped into my head.
Anyway, Lisa the owner of that restaurant, started talking to me about
Sahaja Yoga and I came to the class the following day. That was the end
of all my worries, dissatisfaction, and restlessness. It was the beginning
of a life which became so rich and valueable. Yes, I had my difficulties
in the beginning. I could hardly accept meditating with the photo of Shri
Mataji, because I didnít feel the slightest vibration, neither cool nor
warm. But after a couple of weeks I started to feel, and then I understood
why the photo is necessary to help our spiritual growth.
Lisa told me later, that my right side was so hot, that she was wondering
why I didnít explode. She also taught me in one month everything imaginable
about Sahaja Yoga. I learned about all the treatments, all the mantras,
I knew what a puja was and I knew about the marriages. Lisa made me listen
to lots of Shri Matajis talks, and gave me lectures to read. She just poured
it all in to me. Some things were surprising, sometimes my ego really reacted
though other things seemed completely logical. Deep inside I knew that
I finally had found what I was looking for, and I felt that all the things
Shri Mataji said were the truth. It all came together like Ďfinishing a
I continued practicing the meditation and can now proudly call myself
a Sahaja Yogi - even if there is still a long way to go. I found an answer
to the questions which had troubled me for so long, and I discovered so
many surprising qualities in me which I didnít know that I had them. Needless
to say that I never touched drugs or alcohol since, having found much better
things in the world to put my attention on.
I never returned into the show-biz management again. I became an actor
and director myself, and IĎm still doing it. If you have any questions
please donít hesitate to contact me.